THE SWING REPORT

First win of the season. What changed?

Nothing changed. That's the thing nobody wants to hear. People go looking for the new grip, the new swing thought, the video of a man in Florida explaining the hips, and meanwhile the answer is that life is mostly about standing in the right place when the good thing happens. You can't make the good thing happen. You can only be standing there.

And I was standing there. Every ball I hit came off something and went somewhere better. Tree, cart path, some poor gentleman's bag — it all bounced the right way. That's not skill, that's the universe settling an old account. Gross 50, 19 strokes, net 31. Nine and a half better than my average, which was 40.5 over two rounds, so you can see what kind of accounting we're dealing with.

You did take an 8 on the 6th.

Four over on a par 4, yes. I'm told that's the sort of thing that keeps a man humble. I'd argue it's the sort of thing that keeps a man interesting. If the card had been clean nobody would talk to me at all.

I understand I now qualify for the sandbagger award. I accept it in the spirit in which the league intends it, which is not a kind one.

Walk us through the 2nd.

I stopped respecting the hole. That's the whole story. I got to that tee and I looked at a par 4 and I thought, I know you. I've had you before. And the hole heard that, because holes hear everything, and it decided we were going to have a conversation about manners.

So it took nine strokes to apologize. That's five over, and I'd like the record to show the hole didn't have to take it that far. It could have accepted the apology at seven. But there's a type of hole that wants you to finish the sentence out loud, and the 2nd at The Meadows is that type. The 4th and the 6th had heard about it by the time I got there and wanted their share.

You were also serving the drinks.

It was a hot day and somebody has to be responsible for the group's wellbeing. I was making decisions for three people and a golf course at the same time, and the golf course was the one I was neglecting.

Gross 63, net 51. Three point seven worse than my average. Everyone got a cold drink. I know which of those the league will actually remember.

An eagle on the 9th. Take us there.

Sure, sure — par 5, took 3. Lovely. Now can we talk about Selden's card, because I was standing at the 2nd and I have never seen anybody take nine on a par 4 with more composure. She never rushed. She never got loud. She was handing out drinks between shots. It was hot and she was hydrating the field while quietly having the worst hole anyone posted this week. That's a professional.

You tied for first at net 31.

Right, tied, with Irey, and good for Irey, first win, whole thing. Meanwhile Wesselink opened with an 8 on the 1st — four over before anyone had settled — and then did it again on the 7th. Same number, different hole. There's a symmetry to it that I found genuinely moving. Seven and a half worse than his average, which was 43.5 over two rounds. That's the round of the week as far as I'm concerned.

Oh, and we had two Dan substitutes. Two. I don't fully understand the arrangement and I didn't ask, because it was working. You don't interrogate a Dan surplus.

Gross 41, 10 strokes. Seven better than my average of 38 over four rounds. Anyway — Selden also took nine on the 4th. Nine. Twice in one nine holes. I want that framed.

Low gross, 39. Different prize from the net win, but a prize.

It is, and I'll take it. Birdie on the 9th, par 5, took 4, which is a nice way to walk in. Net 37 for me, four point eight better than my average of 41.8 over five rounds. I'd like to say I saw it coming.

Anything else the scorecard missed?

Oldehoff. Somebody should write down what that ball did out there, because it found every bunker and every water hazard on the property, in what seemed to me a deliberate order. It wasn't wild. Wild would be random. This was a ball with a map and a list of appointments.

I kept expecting him to say something and he mostly just went and got it. Hot day for that. Selden was well positioned with the drinks, and I'd note that a man visiting that much sand and water is a man who earns one.